Skill Builder: Archived Page

April 15, 2010

Turning Difficult Conversations into Learning Conversations

In the book, Difficult Conversations¹, by Stone, Patton, and Heen, the authors say that no matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories, or "conversations," when it comes to talking about something difficult. Understanding these three conversations can help us analyze why a particular conversation is challenging.

The first conversation is the "What Happened Conversation." Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. "Who said what and who did what?" "Who's right, who meant what, and who's to blame?" It's not about who's right and who's wrong; it's about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.

The second conversation is the "Feelings Conversation." Every difficult conversation asks and answers questions about feelings. "Are my feelings valid? Appropriate?" "Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table, or check them at the door?" "What do I do about the other person's feelings?" "What if she/he is angry or hurt?"

The third conversation is the "Identity Conversation." This is the conversation we each have with ourselves about what this situation means to us. We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self-image and self-esteem, our future and our well-being?

This week, think about these three conversations and how they might be impacting you or a colleague as you interact with others in difficult situations.

¹Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce M.; & Heen, Sheila. Difficult Conversations. New York: Penguin Putnam, 1999.

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